We are eight weeks into the spring semester, and I am so tired.
I am tired today specifically because after getting home from my evening class, my cat decided to pull one of her classic Great Escapes and bolt out the door. She proceeded to hide under cars while my roommate and I attempted to coax and chase her out, until she presumably got bored and ran back into the apartment. After this I stayed up for a while, stressfully watching Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey while she snoozed on my bed as if nothing had ever happened.
I am residually tired from the weekend, as our department hosted a (very fun!) daylong event for 150 sweaty and hyper high school students. I have never talked to so many high school students in one day, maybe not even when I was in high school.
I am hypochondriacally tired after one of my students told me his girlfriend has mono and that he might have mono. Like, rationally, I know he did not give me mono. But could I ALSO have gotten mono? I have had colds off and on this semester…is that mono? Does my spleen hurt? Are my lymph nodes enlarged? It’s totally mono.
I am tired from anxiety after having meetings with professors about applications for funding, because even though I know that my professors are here to help, meeting with them stresses me out, because what if they find out that I’m secretly a big dummy and have just been faking it all this time? Also, writing personal statements is tiring.
I am intellectually tired from coursework, because hearing my colleagues’ thoughts on our readings vacillates between being intimidating and boring, and having to think my own thoughts (are they good thoughts? are they dumb thoughts? I have no idea anymore) is pretty tiring too.
I am existentially tired from wondering about whether I belong in this profession, and whether my PhD will make me a good candidate for other jobs, and whether we will even value PhDs by the time I’m done dissertating, and from worrying that our country is full of fascists, and from wondering if we’re maybe throwing around the word “fascist” too much.
In conclusion, I’m ready for spring break.