Movies That Cockblock For You*

We’ve all been on bad dates, amirite, ladiiiies?? Here’s a story from my (Kate’s) younger days: a guy (who I really was not interested in) asked me out, and I was way too shy to say no. He invited me over to his dorm to watch a movie (pre-Netflix & chill, although the sentiment has surely existed since the dawn of media). I was in charge of picking the movie, so I pondered the decision long and hard: what movie could I pick that would effectively communicate “hey dude, I’m super not into you”? Ultimately I settled on Pineapple Express: a total bro and stoner movie that’s not in the least bit sexy. The movie, plus my deliberate avoidance of any physical contact, worked like a charm! I did, however, forget to consider that Pineapple Express is like TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG (thanks a LOT, David Gordon Green!), and was forced to sit on this dude’s sweaty futon for the entirety.

Anyway, this anecdote made us all consider: what movies are the perfect cockblocks? The three of us came up with our own list of movies to totally kill the mood, so check them out below! If you choose to employ them in your own pursuits of telling undesirable dudes to take a hike, please shoot us an email and tell us how that went.

  • Schindler’s List (or Sophie’s Choice, or anything tragic)
  • The Handmaid’s Tale
  • The One Direction documentary
  • All Quiet on the Western Front, or any war movie (not the sexy ones though)
  • Teeth
  • Grizzly Man
  • The Polar Express, because nothing is unsexier than the Uncanny Valley
  • The Human Centipede
  • Any film adaptation of a video game
  • Casper the Friendly Ghost
  • The Greasy Strangler (based on the title and the trailer alone)
  • Manchester by the Sea, unless sobbing turns you on
  • Any Bachelor finale

*Amy would like to forever call this genre of movies “cockbusters”. We support it.

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